We Tried but Lost Her

[MelodyinGreece]

Our dear brave Khola died on Saturday. Those who have read about my problems getting tests and medication here in Greece will know that I managed to get Trilostane but couldn't get any ACTH tests done, so the vet and I decided to start her on a 50% dose.

Despite this I think she was overdosed. She seemed to be okay, but on Friday morning I wasn't sure - just something worried me. I feel so bad because I didn't listen to my inner fears. I asked my husband and he said to give her the tablet. Then we were really busy all day and although I checked her I wasn''t with her as much as I'd have liked.

We had a 60th birthday party to go to in the evening, and it wasn't until we got back that I thought she seemed unwell.

In the middle of the night she got worse and it was terrible. She began crying, screaming almost, and running around banging into things. There was absolutely nothing we could do - no way of getting a vet here at 3am. It was one of the worst things I have ever experienced. She was in this state for about three hours then passed out. We weren't sure if she was sleeping or had lost conciousness, but she never woke up.

I had accepted that she was very sick and we were likely to lose her. I wanted her to be put to slep in my arms not to suffer like that. I don't regret tyring the Trilostane, as if I hadn't and she'd died I would always wonder if it might have helped her the way it did other dogs on this forum.

But at the moment I can't forgive myself for giving her that final tablet, or for not paying more attention to her during the last 24 hours. I feel that I killed her. I know I'll get over this eventually but I feel so so bad.

We buried her down near the beach with the sound of the sea. Like most Labs she loved swimming and before she became ill it was a favourite place.

I've had strong feelings that her spirit is running around and jumping for joy at being free to run again. I do hope this is so, and that she forgives me. I was trying to help her and I failed her so badly. I'm sure she knows I loved her and didn't mean to cause her pain.

[acushdogsmom]

Melody, I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved Khola.

Please don't blame yourself. I really don't think that the one tablet you gave her on Friday could have caused her death. You did the best you could do for her, even contacting a Specialist in Europe for help and advice.

I remember that in a previous post you said that you had noticed some strange behaviour, that Khola was "staring at walls and into corners, going round to the right in a circle, and she seems a bit 'jumpy' at sudden movements" and I'm wondering now if that behaviour may have been due to an expanding Pituitary macrotumor. Pituitary macrotumors are more rare than the usual microtumors that many Cushing's dogs have, but if it was a macrotumor then the only treatment which might have been effective would have been a course of radiation therapy, and that is a treatment which I'm pretty sure would not have been available to you where you live.

Khola is at peace now, and there's no need for forgiveness because you didn't fail her. In fact, you went above and beyond what most people would have done if their dog became ill in a place where only very basic Veterinary care was available.

I hope that when the pain of losing her is not quite so fresh, you will be able to remember only the love and the laughter that you and Khola shared in your time together.

My heart goes out to you tonight.

[Labblab]

Dear Melody,

My heart breaks for your pain in losing Khola. I have been reading all of your posts, and had feared that Khola was suffering from a macrotumor. So many of her symptoms sounded so familiar to what we had experienced with our Lab before he died. But like you, we never knew for sure what was making him so sick. Even here in the U.S., we would have had to have taken him many miles to a vet school for that diagnosis.

Your questions and doubts bring tears to my eyes, for they mirror my feelings at the time of his death. I felt so guilty for forcing him to swallow the trilostane when it was so hard for him to eat and drink. I felt as if I had failed him terribly. But I will tell you now the same thing that my family kept telling me. That he knew how deeply we loved him, and that the decisions that we made for him grew out of our love. We did the best that could, with the knowledge that we had. I know how hard you have tried to make Khola better, and the lengths that you have gone to learn as much as you could about her illness. Above all, it is clear how much you loved her.

I am so glad that you feel Khola's spirit dancing again. Because I believe that is true for all of our pets who have been released from their illness. She will always be with you now, healthy once again, swimming joyfully through the waves and racing like the wind to greet you on the beach.

You were a loving mom, and took good care of her. Please take care of yourself now, and allow your heart to heal. I know it will take a long time.

Sincerely, Marianne

[mytil]

Oh Melody,

We are so very very sorry about loosing Khola.

Having read your previous posts on how hard you tried for her, what Cushy and Marianne said is very true ~ we really do the very best we can. And I believe you did. It is so easy in hindsight to speculate what we may have done differently; please don't beat yourself up. In time, you will come to feel better and the feelings of guilt do go away.

Our thoughts are with you and your family ~ lots of huggies.
Terry (always Clancy and Mytilda's mom)

[Mom2Misty]

Melody....the sadness and pain I feel for you right now can in no way compare to what you are feeling from losing sweet Khola but I want you to know how very sorry I am and my heart breaks for you. I also know how very hard you tried and how much you loved her, and I know she returned that love tenfold. There is just no way we can out love them, not in a million years.

I hope and pray in time you will be able to not blame yourself so much. I do realize that is a normal feeling but we just have to give ourselves time to let our hearts heal a little to be able to see beyond the guilt and realize that we did the best we could in a situation we had little control over.

Please be good to yourself. Take time to grieve the loss of your precious Khola, but she would not want you to have the pain and heartache of believing you were to blame for her death. As others have said, I too believe she must have had something major (like a macrotumor) going on that you were unaware of.

In time, try to take comfort in knowing her spirit is free from all the pain and she is running free and happy again, and yes I believe her spirt will be with you wherever you go and her sweet memory will be embedded deep in your heart forever. Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Shelba and Misty

[MabelBudZoe]

Melody - i am very very sorry for your loss. Dont beat yourself up - we do the best we can for those we love the most but sometimes - whatever that other being is has other plans. You know you gave love and got love in return - not much else we can do but cry and grieve and remember.
Hugs to you in this difficult time

[SachiMom]

Dear Melody,
Words cannot express the sorrow that I have felt since reading that Khola has passed. There is never enough time, no matter how hard we try. You have done everything that you possibly could. You will come to realize this is time. Right now you must go through the grieving, which includes the horrible guilt...what if's, could have's, if only's...but Khola knew that you did your best. You could not possibly fail her, you loved her so much. In time, the memories of your love for her and her love for you, will fill that huge hole in your heart. God is keeping her safe, letting her run, swim and play, until that day when you both will be able to do it all together again. I hope that you will stop by now and then, to let us know how you are doing. We all came to care a great deal about you and Khola. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care ~ Mary Ann

[Loraine]

Melody I am so sorry to see that your beloved Khola has gone to the Rainbow Bridge. I know how your heart must be breaking. Please do not blame yourself, you did all that you could. At least now she is out of pain and playing with other Cushdogs that have gone before.

Hugs
Loraine (Coco's forever Mum, Zed's new Mum)

[andstar1]

I am very sorry for your loss. I wish it were eaiser to lead with our heads and not our hearts. When Cody became ill the Monday before he died, he suffered and could not even lay down because he was having some sort of spasm that hurt bad enough to cause him to get up and move again. We were up all Monday night with him. He finally laid down and went to sleep from exhaustion. Tuesday he would not eat. He would take a treat if coaxed but he drank water like it was going to be taken away from him and we had to assist him (support with an underbelly pad) to walk out to the yard. I made the appointment on Tuesday to have him put down on Friday. Wednesday he seemed a little better. He was eating a little of his regular food and still heavy on the water, but he was walking on his own and his eyes were much brighter. Thursday he was almost back to his former self so I had hoped these muscle spasms were because he'd laid on the cool, damp ground (which he loved to do) too long and was having cramps from that since he had arthritis very bad in his rear legs and hips. Friday morning he was still better so I cancelled the appointment. Saturday we went to a Derby gathering at my Dads house and the neighbors came and let him out tiwce and saw to him. She said he was fine and went out and came back on his own. When we got home he started downhill fast and by Sunday 10AM he could no longer even drink water. He'd not eaten, even trying to coax him, since Friday evening and I could not even keep a dropper of water down in him. He threw it up immediately and then heaved painfully for a minute or two oafter trying to drink. His last hours were very painful- his eyes and nose dried up and he labored harder and harder for breath but he could not lay his head down and close his mouth because he would suffocate. He could not walk and though we took him out to the yard and he urinated once or twice he could not relieve himself as he wished and was very bloated. Obviously his organs were shutting down. My vet, unfortunately, is not on call on weekends so I had nothing to do but watch him die. I sat down by him around 8:45 and told him to let go and he would be free to go and run with Blackie and he wouldn't hurt any more. About 5 minutes later he laid over on his side and breathed his last. I am still kicking myself for not taking him in Friday and being selfish by wanting to believe he would stay with me a while longer. Still, as I petted him he did acknowledge I was there and managed a very weak wag of the tail. Maybe he knew I was telling him goodbye and that though I loved him dearly I was telling him I'd let go. We will aways hold them dear in our hearts and in time the memories we recall will hoepfully be the good ones. Our dear companions will be waiting on the other side of The Bridge for us- happy and healthy. May time heal your heart and let you know that your beautiful girl knew how much you loved her.
Cosy's Mom